everything I need...

Need is such a problematic word, isn't it?

Need, want and desire - these three are tricky things, often involving 'being clear', writing lists, sorting through, taking action and letting go. There's a culture springing up around these terms, including a psychological and spiritual 'correctness' meaning that they must be clearly distinguished from other human-invented qualities (such as desperation). Or so it may seem.

There was once a man in my life who'd occasionally say to me 'you're a bit needy, Dan' - completely baffling me as I lived what I believed to be a self-contained existence, independent in so many ways. He'd then go weeks without calling or answering my calls just to prove how needy I was. As it turned out all he proved was how much I didn't need him. (a Scorpio, what more should I say?)

From time to time, on this blog, I state that I 'have everything I need', meaning that in every situation Life has shown me that there really is no need to worry about there Not Being Enough. Of anything. If I need it, I have it - or will have it soon. If I have it, then I need it - until I Don't Need it Anymore. It works like that, as simple as that, every time.

But, like the guy who decided for us both that my needs are a bad thing, occasionally something 'negative' does show up in my experience. My faith in my Theory of Needs is then tested. I have to question, after an initial struggle with emotion (aka a bit of a sook), why would I need what I don't think I want?

The whole question has been on my mind lately as I've been going through some turbulence, and the only answer I have is this;

Any external circumstance that triggers an unexpected internal reaction (i.e. so called 'negative' emotion) is an opportunity to see something else about myself.

Under these circumstances, other questions arise; how much of a fight is going on with reality? That's a battle that can't ever be won. Does there have to be an underlying reason or spiritual lesson for what is? (how exhausting!) And if I'm Creating My Own Reality, why on Earth would I sign up for Trouble?

Acceptance seems to be the key that opens all doors - and locks those that are better closed against what is no longer serving a purpose from entering in again.

More and more I see there's a part of each of us that knows what's best, whether we think we want or need it or not. Some call that part God, others call it The Universe, the Higher Self, Spirit or Soul. Whatever we call it, Its got it all covered, so best step aside and pay attention (or risk having to go through it all over again).

And, as I keep reminding myself, if I have everything I need, then I need all the emotions and experiences that I have, so its all alright. OK?

That's got to be all I need to know right now.

and for a Neptunian weekend...

"confirmation is always available, if you're looking for it" (Paracelcus)

For some reason I feel as though I should be diarising like a voyager on a doomed mission - a kind of 'ship's log'; day 31, we're running out of food. The work of keeping the engine running is keeping me from going insane but I'm so tired, even in my dreams I lie down and sleep. I don't know how much longer I can go on. If anyone finds this please tell my children I love them, that I tried....

Yeah OK, I'm overdramatising things a bit. Everything's alright. I look around me now and can see plenty to feel happy about. The house is gorgeous and scrubbed clean; a minimalist paradise (all the clutter is boxed up in the garage, which looks anything but minimalist). With the exertions - scrubbing, shifting around and boxing-up - I've toned up somewhat, so I'm feeling simplified physically too. Not to mention the 'make over' cost not a cent, so my financial fitness is increasing, as well as having avoided that 'decorated all in one day' look that so many professionally styled homes have. I've lived my axiom 'I have everything I need' to the highest this week, and proved my own resourcefulness. Yep, its pretty good.

So what if the house is officially 'on the market'? In the meantime we live in it, we're here.

Psyche, of course, has something to say about it all. In contrast to my dreams last weekend, which wanted me to wake up, snap out of it, check out of denial; last night's nocturnal images had me lying down under a table where I'd been preparing a meal with the Rigger, unable to stay awake any longer. 'Morning sickness'; I'm pregnant and need to rest. It occurs to me, in daylight, that its more like mourning sickness that points me to the floor, toward less emphasis on being on top of things. Maybe take a time out... I guess I'll dwell on it a while - things aren't always what they seem.

James Hillman writes that the soul makes intelligent statements to our conscious selves all the time. We only have to pay attention to what's being shown and then resist the urge to substitute images for their literal counterparts. What I've found, apart from that the resistance he suggests is easier said than done, is that if I allow it, the message of a dream, image or event really will be understood.

I've written about this before, anyway, so this is revision.

I don't think I can rest yet - there's a lot to be done. There are things that've been calling me - finishing up my series of articles on parenting with soul, for one. I have more to say about soul mates, about dreams and cledons and divination in general, and I've a book to write. Birds land on my back fence, asking to be part of it all - to be drawn into the scene.

The cosmic climate is strange and brilliant and more than ordinarily tricky, just the way I like it. Expect the unexpected...and dream on...